


santa and his reindeer

by agentmmayy



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Academy Era, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Banter, Christmas Party, Costume Kink, Costumes, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Pining, Sex at a christmas party, Sexual Humor, Teasing, gotta do that ho ho hoeing amiright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:07:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21894127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentmmayy/pseuds/agentmmayy
Summary: At a party celebrating the last night of finals before winter break, Phil and Melinda sneak off to enjoy each other's Christmas costumes.
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 22
Kudos: 62





	santa and his reindeer

**Author's Note:**

> there is an inordinate amount of bad puns and jokes in here but im not even sorry. i have no clue as to how i got the idea for this fic but now i really want to see may wearing reindeer antlers. this is academy era philinda (since im a sucker for academy fics) but they're both 21 so no alcohol was consumed illegally in this fic. 
> 
> but, before you read, here's my original summary: Twas' the last night of finals and all through the party, Phil Coulson was stirring, his thoughts turning dirty. His cock was hung, filling his pants to the brim in hopes that Melinda would soon join him. Soon he was nestled all snug in her snatch and after they enjoyed some peppermint schnapps. 
> 
> hope you enjoy!

Christmas music blared throughout the small apartment, narrowly drowning out the lull of noise beneath it. On the other side of the kitchen, an elated shout rose from a group of students who played beer pong. It was the last day of finals, and everyone at the Academy was in high spirits. They’d somehow survived another semester. That alone was enough to throw a party over. 

Phil leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms and lifting his cup to his lips as he surveyed the rest of the apartment. It was supposed to be a small party according to Hartley, but then again, that’s what she always said. People hung on every available corner. Most were on the furniture- sitting on tables, lounging on the single couch, and threadbare beanbags. Everyone was doing something different, but they each held either a red solo cup or a Christmas cookie of some sort.

Jasper Sitwell appeared at his elbow a moment later, looking a bit frazzled from pushing through people to get to the kitchen. “Hey, Coulson,” he greeted, then made a face and pulled at his tie. “Is it warm in here to you? Or is that just me?”

Phil glanced at his fuzzy white vest and matching track pants. Sweat beaded on Jasper’s forehead beneath the sturdy black top hat he wore. He was a snowman, albeit a rapidly melting one. “I think it’s just you.”

A commotion at the far corner of the living area caught Phil’s attention. The handful of people there gathered around the dartboard hung on the wall, cheering each other on as they took turns throwing darts. One guy, a senior Phil recognized from COM402, stepped up, a dart held between his fingertips. Taylor. He leaned back and closed one eye before throwing. The dart landed on the edge of the red circle. Taylor’s shoulders slumped, but he didn’t lose his easy grin and only shrugged the boos and jeers off. He turned, handing another dart to the next person that stepped up. They were female, at least a good foot shorter than Taylor, and stood with an aura of confidence most Academy students didn’t have. May. Phil picked her out from the small crowd immediately with the aid of the reindeer antlers tucked firmly on her head. Then again, even without the antlers, he’d know her anywhere. 

She took the dart and Taylor’s place before the dartboard. May stood like she was in the firing range- feet spread apart, middle firm, and shoulders tense. Through the glow of the Christmas lights strung up on the window beside her, Phil caught the determined glint in her eyes. He watched, awed as always, as May took a breath, drew her arm back, then released. 

The dart hit dead center. 

The corner erupted into cheers once more, this time congratulatory. May smiled, pleased, and gave a short burst of laughter at a remark a girl next to her made. She turned and noticed Phil. A different smile, this one more relaxed and even fond spread across May’s lips. Phil felt his mouth go dry at the sight of it. Without taking her eyes from Phil, Melinda handed the next dart off and started to head for him. She didn’t even pause when Evans called after her. 

“Hey, May! Bet you can’t make that with your eyes closed.”

“I can do a lot of things better than you with my eyes closed,” May tossed over her shoulder. 

Ignoring Sitwell, who was still talking, Phil pushed himself away from the counter, moving toward the edge of the kitchen. A guy Phil didn’t recognize, most likely one of Izzy’s friends, nudged his shoulder as he passed by. “Your girlfriend’s got sick aim.”

“Not my girlfriend,” Phil answered automatically and immediately hated the bitter taste those words left in his mouth. It was all too familiar, though. Whatever he and May had, they refused to label it. Phil wanted nothing more than to ask her out, or even ask her to be his girlfriend, but first, he had to find the courage to do so. So far, no luck. 

May met him there at the corner seconds later, still smiling. With the bright light of the kitchen behind them, Phil could clearly see Melinda’s face. Her cheeks were slightly flushed from either laughter or the few vodka cherries she had. The tip of her nose echoed the same color, where Phil painted it red earlier that day. As she came to a stop in front of him, Melinda tilted her head, shifting her bangs out of her eyes to look up at him. Phil couldn’t help himself and ducked down to press his mouth to hers. 

“Mm.” Melinda made a surprised sound but reciprocated the kiss, placing her hands on Phil’s waist. She pulled back with a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Hi.”

Phil wrapped an arm around her shoulder, tucking her into his side. He kissed her temple. “Hey.”

May pressed against him, sliding her arm around his back. She glanced at the cup still held in Phil’s right hand then leaned to peer into it. “Is that hot chocolate?”

“Yeah, I got the last packet.” Melinda made no move to pull away, so Phil tilted the cup to her, holding it to her lips. He held it steady as she drank, then huffed as she continued to drink. “Hey.” He lifted the cup away. It was now half-empty and devoid of any marshmallows. Phil cradled it to his chest protectively. “Save some for me.”

Melinda looked up at him, tongue darting out to catch chocolate on the corner of her mouth. Phil’s eyes stayed glued to her lips. “I can still share.”

Heat curled low in Phil’s belly. He bent to reach her mouth again, pulling Melinda close as she readily met his lips, opening her hot mouth under his. Phil sucked the remaining drops of hot chocolate off her lip, nipping it to hear her sigh. He slid his hand in her hair and gathered a handful of the silky strands. A breathy moan slipped from May’s lips, and Phil felt himself perking up in response. He wished he set his cup down so he could bring her closer but-

A catcall broke them apart. Phil regretfully pulled away, thankful for the dim lighting to hide the bulge in his pants. Of course, Melinda noticed since she was pressed fully against him. He saw her eyes widen and her lips part in surprise. Phil tilted his head toward the front door in a silent question. May shook her head in response and looped a finger in his belt to pull him closer. She then snatched his cup from him. Phil watched her take a healthy swig, then haphazardly placed it on the counter behind them. Then, she grabbed his hand. They stumbled down the hallway, maneuvering through people until they reached the bathroom door. The bathroom was hardly big enough for one person, let alone two, but Phil was already tugging Melinda inside. Immediately, the noise from the party shut off. May had just managed to shut the door when Phil crowded her against it, hands tight on her waist and lips meeting hers. Melinda fumbled for the lock before lifting her arms over Phil’s shoulders, sinking into his kisses with a content sigh. Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck, knuckles brushing against the white fur of his Santa hat. She pressed herself against him, keening softly as Phil slid a leg between hers. 

“Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just excited to see me?”

“A candy cane?” Phil couldn’t help but be slightly offended at the comparison. “Really?”

Melinda rolled her eyes. “Fine. A peppermint stick.”

She reached between them, palming Phil’s obvious erection. He groaned, ducking his head to press into her shoulder, and rocked into her hand. 

“Well?” Her voice was practically a purr. “Are you going to give me my present, Santa?”

Phil glanced around the bathroom. Though it was absurdly clean, the unmistakable smell of pine Febreze lingered. Besides, someone could bang on the door, demanding to use it at any second. And it was their friends’ bathroom, not a random hosts. “Is this really the best place?”

“Are you kidding?” Melinda asked. “This bathroom has seen much worse.”

“I…” Phil made a face. “Didn’t need to know that.”

May shrugged. Without further to do, she steered him away from the door and to the toilet. She pushed him down onto the closed lid, which thankfully had a fluffy cover and quickly followed, straddling his lap. Phil’s breath caught in his throat as Melinda rocked against him, grinding on his straining cock. Their thin clothing didn’t offer much resistance, and Phil groaned at the heat between her legs. His hips bucked up into her. Melinda muffled her whimper against his lips, nipping the bottom one as she leaned back and began to unbuckle the belt around Phil’s waist. It was a cheap one and fell open almost the second she touched it. Phil hooked a finger in the stretchy waistband of his pants, shoving them and his underwear down to his thighs. 

Surprise took over the hunger in Melinda’s expression. “Tighty whities?” 

He shrugged, sneaking his fingers up May’s shirt to tug at her waistband. “Briefs were too bulky.”

When Melinda rose off his lap to shove her leggings down, one of her heels slipped against the vinyl floor. She caught herself, but Phil held her on his lap, hands tight on her hips. She grumbled. “I can’t believe you talked me into wearing this.”

“Hey, you’re the one that wanted to win the costume contest.”

“Which we didn’t. We came in second.”

“If Richards didn’t bring his dog, then we would’ve. How could you not vote for a dog dressed like Max?” Phil paused. “Maybe if we had a real reindeer-”

May glared. “No.” She reached up to adjust the antlers, which were skewed, most likely from Phil’s hand in her hair earlier. “I hate these.”

“I think they’re cute.”

Instead of arguing, Melinda kissed him. Phil gripped her thighs, yanking her closer and groaned at the pressure she put on his cock. Melinda’s fingers dipped in the waistband of his underwear. She tugged him out, shoving the excess fabric under his balls. Phil hissed in pleasure as she squeezed his length. His cock jerked in her hold, but though he was eager, Phil wasn’t a fool. 

“Wait, Mel.” Phil pulled away. “I’ve gotta wrap your gift.”

May snorted but shifted on his lap so Phil could grab the condom he stashed in his pocket. He rolled it on quickly and guided Melinda over him. Melinda hooked a finger in the crotch of her panties and tugged them to the side before sliding down onto him. Phil caught himself before his head could slam back into the wall behind the toilet. The tight, hot clench of her slick muscles around him sent his mind spinning. Phil gripped May’s hips harder, forcing away the desire to thrust up into her until she gave him the go-ahead. He kept his eyes on Melinda, watching her almost reverently. 

Her eyes were closed, and she had her bottom lip between her teeth. Melinda’s hips nudged minutely against his as she adjusted. After a second or two, she opened her eyes and sent him an impish smile as she started to rock her hips. “I must have been extra good this year to get such a big gift.”

“Fuck,” Phil groaned. “Mel. Jesus.”

He thrust upward as she ground down on him. They managed a hard, fast, messy rhythm that would leave them breathless and sated in no time. Part of Phil wanted to slow it down, but the muffled music on the other side of the door reminded him of where they were and that they couldn’t take too long. Melinda seemed to realize this at the same time because she began to pull every trick she knew to get him to come quicker. 

“Mel,” he breathed. Phil felt like he could pass out from pleasure. “Oh, fuck.”

May gave an answering uhnnh then reached to brace her forearms on his shoulders as she picked up the pace. Her hair tickled Phil’s nose each time she moved. On the top of her head, the antlers shifted. Tiny red and green bells decorated the brown felt antlers. They jingled with each of their movements, filling the tiny bathroom over the sounds Phil and Melinda were already making. It didn’t bother Phil, but he could see Melinda growing increasingly annoyed. With a growl of frustration, Melinda ripped the antlers off her head and slapped them onto the counter, all the while never breaking her rhythm on top of him. That, Phil thought, was absurdly hot. May’s ankle bumped against the tub, and her knee banged into the toilet paper roll each time she moved. Even with the toilet cover, Phil’s ass was starting to hurt. It definitely wasn’t the worst place they had sex but didn’t rank anywhere near the best either. Nonetheless, the space worked good enough. Phil could tell Melinda was getting close. So was he. He pulled her closer, changing the angle, and May let out a filthy moan that almost made him come right then. 

A knock at the door jolted them both. Phil startled, sending his hips bucking up and shoving his cock further into Melinda. With a gasp, May picked her head up from Phil’s shoulder and called back, voice strained, “Occupied!”

Whatever response they received, Melinda didn’t hear and also didn’t care because Phil’s hand snuck between them. They could only be in here so long, and their time was running out. He trailed two fingers to where they were joined, cursing lowly before bringing his wet fingertips to May’s clit. She keened at the contact, pushing down harder onto him. Melinda wasn’t the only one with tricks up her sleeve, though. Shifting his wrist, Phil framed May’s clit with two fingers, and the result was instantaneous. 

Melinda leaned forward, burying her face in Phil’s shoulder as she came with a groan muffled by his jacket. Phil wasn’t too far behind. With a few more jerky, frantic thrusts, he finished. They slumped into each other at the same time, breaths ghosting across sweat-dampened skin as they recovered. Phil leaned back, bringing May with him. His heart continued to beat fast, not from the exertion but from her proximity. It was comical how he’d get flustered over simply holding Melinda more than having sex with her. Then again, Phil mused, that was what happened when you were in love with your best friend with whom you occasionally had sex. 

Now that the afterglow faded, they both grew uncomfortable. May scooted away from him, carefully lifting off his soft cock. Phil hissed at the sudden rush of cold air against his skin. He grasped himself before the slick condom could stain his pants and glanced at Melinda.

“If you even think about making a milk joke, I won’t do your laundry for a month.”

May laughed. “You won’t be doing it anyway,” she said. “Winter break starts tomorrow.”

That was right. Phil resisted the urge to frown. He looked forward to winter break, sure, but that meant he wouldn’t see May. He planned to go back to Wisconsin and Melinda, Pennsylvania. They could call each other, sure, but nothing compared to seeing her every day. 

At some point, Phil’s hat fell into the basket full of feminine products and extra toilet paper rolls on the top of the toilet tank. Reaching behind him, Melinda picked it up and placed it back on his head. When she leaned in to tug it over his ears, Phil cleared his throat in an effort to distract from how his face heated up. 

“Still,” he said. “A whole month without trying to eat your burnt toast every day? How will I survive?”

She scoffed. “If you’re so desperate for it, you can always make the thirteen-hour drive.”

Now that was an idea. But Phil only hummed. “Maybe.”

With a slight grin that made his heart skip, Melinda yanked the edge of his hat over his eyes and stood from his lap. Phil gave a surprised hey! and pushed it up in time to see May in front of the mirror, fixing her clothes. She’d already pulled her leggings and underwear back on and was now fussing over her shirt. Phil followed suit though he stripped the condom off before pulling on his clothes. Between re-doing his belt, he glanced at May, who was now glaring down at the pair of antlers she picked up. 

“Why were you still wearing those anyway?”

Melinda shrugged, leaning in toward the mirror as she tugged the antlers on again. “They go with the outfit. Besides, you totally have a thing for them.”

Phil felt his cheeks turn the same color as his suit. “I do not.”

The smirk she gave in response only deepened his blush. “Sure, you don’t.”

Standing up took a bit more effort than usual. Phil was sure he’d have permanent imprints on the backs of his thighs from sitting so long. He joined Melinda at the mirror, playfully bumping her hip with his as he washed his hands. In return, Melinda tugged on the ball of his hat and gasped as he flicked water at her. Phil shoved the observation of how good they looked together, even flushed and sweaty, to the back of his mind. “Hopefully, there isn’t a line.”

“If there were, Vic would be banging the door down.”

She had a point. Phil looked to her and paused to tuck Melinda’s bangs away from her eyes. He lingered, knuckles hovering by her cheek before he dropped his hand and cleared his throat. “Ready?”

For a moment, May didn’t say anything. She only stared at him with slightly wide eyes and an unreadable expression. Then she blinked, nodded, and opened the door. 

Hand in hand, they rejoined the party. There, in fact, wasn’t a line but instead a couple of people that lingered in the hallway. Phil recognized a few and ducked his head at their knowing looks. While it was a large party, it was a small apartment, and word traveled fast. Besides, it wasn’t like they were trying to hide what they did. May tugged Phil through the hallway. Blake lingered with Jasper at the edge of the kitchen and lifted an eyebrow at the sight of them while Sitwell choked on his drink. 

“Looks like you two took Santa’s sleigh for a ride.”

“Alright, alright,” Phil said dryly. 

May ignored their jibes and pushed through further into the kitchen, still grasping Phil’s hand. “Izzy should have brought out the eggnog by now.”

Phil hoped the eggnog would grant him some liquid courage. If not, then he could always add it to his Christmas list. Or buy a bottle before his upcoming thirteen-hour road trip and crack it open with Melinda then. 

**Author's Note:**

> ok so they didn't drink schnapps but it's about the *rhyming* 
> 
> thanks for reading! happy holidays!


End file.
